What life is when the most unexpected happens expectedly?

I was due to confirm my pregnancy ...alas it was as usual...negative. This time I had my hope, trust and faith all pinned up as it was after a well planned infertility treatment regime. I sensed it all a day before. But something that unusually struck me to fear was how vijay would react to it?. I had no good reason to think of this but I can't lie to myself(the mirror) ...ya I do know now my concern about pregnancy has gone far and beyond myself. Once it was a personal affair that which I wanted to cherish and own...but now its my identity crisis in the family. With every eye watching you with judgemental attitude as to 'what' contributed my state...this particular cycle was an awe full experience.

I was so determined not to test until I could no longer hold and went along with my heart's wish. Even when it was negative i dismised the act of crying and upsetting myself.I told Vijay that it will all show up in its own time and it did. My dismissal proved futal ... I was depressed to the core and felt that someone (my mom, vijay) some one will give me an encouraging word but none did. Vijay's reaction was the most pain full that I wanted not to take...his silence...it is still a burden to keep these unspoken words unread.

With no one to speak words of comfort all that I went through was in solitude, withdrawn from the reality of life. I had 'dedicated' my child the other day not even understanding it never existed..I had grown dreams planted in the soil of love. The child never happened... leaving me shattered..but just a day, now it had taken a back seat in my mind..with so much going around me ...all that is painful n disgusting...this would be one other drop in my ocean of pain...but this will be the one that I wanted the most not to happen ...but I still cried , still got depressed and still was shattered as if I was all prepared to take this dutifully as usual.